Ahgfhjgdsfkh

There is nothing I can write here that is enough to explain what I'm feeling.
My heart dropped to the ground completely and my nerves are moving at speeds even faster than milliseconds. It's that feeling in the gut  that cannot be fathomed. I fucking hate it, I fucking hate everything that I had assumed and everything that had come to true words.
I'm jealous.
Or am I being gullible and just losing guard of myself?
Whatever it is, even though I suspect it is somewhat a 'plan' that was derived from an earlier occasion, I can still feel the jitterbugs. Fmllll