Reblogged

Self-conflict.

   A problem I commonly face is that I am at war with myself. I am ceaselessly fighting the virtue within me; conflicted between right and wrong. I know I’m not a bad person but I try to be, and sometimes it’s vice versa. At times I try to mask the bad with good, such as forcing fake smiles and laughs; retaining a cool and calm demeanor around someone who drives me crazy; holding back negative words and thoughts that I so desperately want to scream out; fabricating excuses to avoid certain situations; playing it friendly to someone that irritates me and lying through my teeth that I am okay.

It’s the little things like that where I conceal the bad with good, but these are natural human qualities. We all possess, do and say bad things. But it’s when I try to suppress the good in me and put on a bad facade that conflicts me. For what reason? I don’t know. Maybe the reason is that I don’t want to be taken advantage of; I don’t want to pushed to the ground and stepped all over; I don’t want people to see the weakness in me. But is being good revealing weakness? No, of course not. But to most people, it’s a means to seep through someone’s barrier; to manipulate, destroy and control. People take advantage of the kindness in you.

The good person inside of me has always been taken for granted and used against me, so instead, I try to play the bad person. I try to care less and brush off other people’s words. I’m more distrusting and critical of others. Suspicion, caution and even at times distasteful arrogance engulf me. I hide behind this undesired mask of wickedness. I’m told I’m a nice person, but I don’t want to be. I deem myself a bad person, but am I really? No, not in the slightest. The correct term is imperfect, not bad.

Yet I still continue to play it selfishly. I pretend I don’t care and I try to hold back my benevolence. I push this cynicism out, this insensitivity and hate, but the truth is I’m the complete opposite. All I want to do is be good to others, to help, care and protect. I could never say harsh words to someone without feeling a tinge of guilt, regret or pity. I act like I loathe everyone but truthfully, I’m just a scared little girl wanting to be accepted and loved. I pretend to be tough on the outside, but really, I’m as weak as anything on the inside. I am just a perplexed human being — with righteous morals and beliefs — masked by flawed skin.